Here is another real example of a marked and corrected IELTS Task 2 essay question.
I would like to thank the student, Sabina Khadka, for giving me permission to use it for the benefit of others visiting our website. Use our IELTS writing Essay Assessment Service if you would like to know how you are doing, too.
The question and Sabina’s unmarked response is presented and this is followed by our assessor’s marked and corrected version.
Question
IELTS TASK TWO (40 MINS) (250 WORDS)
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.
What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Student’s Answer
Nowadays obesity is considered as a serious problem in different parts of the world. The reason to be blamed for weight gaining in people is joining fitness classes as less as possible. But is this true? This essay will discuss the reasons behind this problem and the steps that can be taken to solve this problem.
There are several reasons that people are becoming obese. One is that they are having luxurious lifestyle due to cultural globalization. It is not as difficult as before for the people to use those facilities that are thousand and thousand miles away from them. For instance, cars that are manufactured in Japan are easily available in India. As a result, people are doing less and less exercise. Another compelling reason is people are eating too much junk foods such as crisps, McDonalds, can drinks and so forth on which would have downsides effect to their health.
There are still some measures which can be applied to solve this problem. One of the strongest solutions is awareness program from media. For example, advantages of eating home made food and doing exercise can be shown from television. Another possible solution is walking minimum 30 minutes per day or spent time playing with their children would have significant benefit as a result of proper body circulation.
Putting what I have been discussing in a nutshell, there is always solution to a problem. However I personally believe that prevention is better than cure. So, it would be better for the people if they could eat health diet and try to do little exercise.
Using our IELTS Task 2 writing assessment assessment service, here is our review of Sabina’s work:
IELTS Task 2 – Assessor’s Marked and Corrected Version
Note: Grammar errors in the student’s answer are marked in red.
Nowadays obesity is considered to be a serious problem in different parts of the world. The reason is blamed on weight gain in people as people are joining fitness classes less and less. But is this true? This essay will discuss the reasons behind this problem and the steps that can be taken to solve this problem. (EXCELLENT)
There are several reasons that people are becoming obese. One is that they are having luxurious lifestyle due to cultural globalization. It is not as difficult as before for the people to use those facilities that are thousand and thousand miles away from them. For instance, cars that are manufactured in Japan are easily available in India. As a result, people are doing less and less exercise. Another compelling reason is people are eating too much junk food such as crisps, McDonalds, canned drinks and so forth, (GOOD) which would have downsides effect to their health.
There are still some measures which can be applied to solve this problem. (GOOD) One of the strongest solutions is an awareness program from media. For example, advantages of eating home made food and doing exercise can be shown from television. Another possible solution is walking minimum 30 minutes per day or spent time playing with their children would have significant benefit as a result of proper body circulation.
Putting what I have been discussing in a nutshell, there is always solution to a problem. However I personally believe that prevention is better than cure. So, it would be better for the people if they could eat health diet and try to do little exercise.
EXCELLENT-ALL REALLY GOOD 8
I hope you found this helpful for your preparation.
To your IELTS success,
James
P.S. To be certain that your own IELTS Task 2 essay and IELTS Task 1 writing will deliver the band scores you need use our Essay Assessment Service. It is not expensive. Your writing will be marked and corrected and you will be able to question the assessor on the comments received. Click here to learn more about our Essay Assessment Service
My IELTS coach told me to avoid repetition. I found something in the introductory paragraph specifically the thesis statement -the word “problem” is repeated.
Another one is in body paragraph 1 the use of brand name (Mc Donald) instead of food names. Does this sound academic and sophisticated?
Can I say downside effects? because what I know is “downside” already means disadvantageous aspect.
Another is the phrase “can be shown FROM television” is it from or on?
I need enlightenment.Sentence structure is my weakness in writing.As I read the corrected form I am confused because what I knew is different from what I see on the text.Here are others I found conflicting:
1. Another solution is walking minimum 30 minutes (I feel like something is lacking)
2. SPENT time playing with children (is the verb correct?)
3. Proper body circulation—(does body circulate)
4. There is always solution to a problem. (do we need article ‘a’ before solution?)
5.Is it grammatically correct to say “So, it would be better for THE people…”?)
6. They could eat “HEALTH” diet…
I am looking forward to receiving help from you.
Hi Romeo
Thank you for you very thoughtful comments on Sabina’s essay about obesity. This discussion will be very helpful to you and other students who wish to score highly in the IELTS Test (Academic or General).
Although you have correctly drawn attention to some of the student’s errors, when marking a writing task for the IELTS exam the examiner does not worry about every single mistake that the student has made.
The examiner assesses the piece of writing according to certain criteria and for this reason you will see that the student was only given a band 8. This was because her writing is not one hundred per cent accurate and perfect. This writing example shows the IELTS student what mistakes you can make and you can see that some errors are allowed. However, the corrections in red are serious mistakes, for which you will be penalised.
The majority of students will never write a completely accurate task – this extends to many native speakers also – even if the student reads every piece of work that has been corrected and memorises all the revised expressions to be recycled in new writing. Therefore, it is not really worthwhile being pedantic about points of English.
I agree with you that you should try not to repeat words but instead find paraphrases and synonyms but you cannot always do that under pressure in the exam and this would be tolerated in the marking.
With reference to Mcdonald’s, this is a perfectly acceptable example and helps the reader understand immediately the criticism of ‘junk food’ through the perceived image society has of Mcdonald’s. It is possibly your own opinion of Mcdonald’s that conjures up a lack of sophistication rather than the word ‘Mcdonald’s’ itself.
Taking some of your other points:
1. Sentence one is acceptable. If you want to be more accurate then you could say ‘walking for a minimum of ‘
2. Yes-‘spending’ would be better (but you can see that some errors are allowed)
3. The reader understands what is meant here
4. It should be ‘a’ solution (but see point 2)
5. It should be ‘ better for people’ (see point 2)
6. It should be ‘a’ healthy diet (see point 2)
Thank you again for your very constructive comments. I think others will benefit from the questions and this response, too.
Unfortunately, you will not find the help you are looking for in one example of writing. We are in the process of releasing an online course which, amongst other things, will help you to achieve the improvement in your sentence structure. Please consider registering for it. You will find it beneficial in your IELTS preparation.
Click here to find out more about the intensive IELTS preparation course and for a free lesson taken from it.
To your IELTS success,
Regards,
James