Marked and Corrected IELTS Task 2 Essay Question

Here is a real example of a marked and corrected IELTS Task 2 essay question.

I would like to thank the student, Sana Shahzad, for giving me permission to use it for the benefit of others visiting our website.

The question and Sana’s unmarked response is presented and this is followed by our assessor’s marked and corrected version.

Question

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified whilst other think it is unfair.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Student’s Answer

In a society a great misbalance has seen amongst various professionals in terms of remuneration packages. The adroit individuals who have spent their entire lives in building a nation are less privileged as of those who have earned name and fame in sports. Intelligentsia has condemned this dishonesty with the master minds of a state. Whilst, on the contrary sports loves believe it is absolutely fair.

Generally, a sportsman’s career starts in his teenage and shines until his mid-thirties. To lead a hale and hearty live in future he has to earn enough money in this period of prosperity. With the passage of time his charisma and fame both fade away, and his life will be dependent on these lucrative contracts.

Subsequently,, the sports professionals are the pride of the nation. They make their country proud on international platform. For instance, Nigeria a developing state has obtained a stout position in a global village because of its prosperous marathon runners. Furthermore, the sportsmen stir patriotism amongst populace of their nations. People forget their inner conflictions and other national maladies, and unite to support their national heroes.

Conversely, the other side of the coin is bit melancholy. The scientists, engineers, doctors and economists are the bed rock of a society. They have spent precious and enormous years of their lives in serving a nation. In calamity and crisis they protect their nation from catastrophic effects. If they had not remunerated well, it would steer them to some other profession. Eventually, the foundation of a nation will become frail.

To sum up, it is unscrupulous to give lucrative packages to the providers of recreation. I believe that handsome remuneration will be offered to the back of a country. The nation flourishes because of its competent minds and hardworking people rather than the sportsmen.

Corrected Version

Note: Grammar errors in the student’s answer are marked in red.

In society, a great misbalance has been seen amongst various professionals in terms of remuneration packages. The adroit individuals who have spent their entire lives in building a nation are less privileged than those who have earned a name and fame in sports. The Intelligentsia has condemned this dishonesty xxx whilst, on the contrary, sports lovers believe this to be absolutely fair. In the following, I will discuss these points of view and explain my own opinions on the subject.

A good introduction, where the student talked about the question before she introduced her own opinion. There are also lots of excellent natural expressions. It is always better to link your introduction to the second paragraph in the way I have suggested in red.

Generally, a sportsman’s career starts in his teenage and he shines until his mid-thirties. To lead a hale and hearty life in future, he has to earn enough money in this period of prosperity. With the passage of time his charisma and fame both fade away, and his life will be dependent on these lucrative contracts.

Excellent. The student linked to first paragraph with ‘generally’/good idiom “hale and hearty”. Good linking “with the passage”. Good use of vocabulary.

Subsequently, the sports professionals are the pride of the nation. They make their country proud on the international platform. For instance, Nigeria a developing state has obtained a stout position in the global village because of its prosperous marathon runners. Furthermore, the sportsmen stir patriotism amongst the populace of their nations. People forget their inner conflicts and other national maladies, and unite to support their national heroes.

Excellent. As before, the student linked this paragraph to the last ‘subsequently’/ the student has included a variety of words which shows how wide her vocabulary is and lots of natural expressions´the global village´/’a developing state’And good linking inside the sentences -‘For instance’/’furthermore’

Conversely, the other side of the coin is bit melancholy. The scientists, engineers, doctors and economists are the bedrock of X society. They have spent precious and long years of their lives in serving the nation. In calamity and crisis they protect their nation from catastrophic effects. If they had not been remunerated well, it would steer them to some other profession. Eventually, the foundation of a nation would become frail.

Excellent. “conversely”a good use of an unusual word to show the opposite. This also links your new idea to the last paragraph. The student has adapted the idiom well “the other side of the coin”. Good grammar. Mixed conditional and passive:

“had not been remunerated”. Good linking inside the sentences – “eventually”.

To sum up, it is unscrupulous to give lucrative packages to the providers of recreation. I believe that a handsome remuneration should be offered to the workers who form the backbone of a country. The nation flourishes because of its competent minds and hardworking people rather than the sportsmen.

Again excellent. Use of the phrase “to sum up” highlights the end to the examiner. The format is exactly as it should be: Introduction, main backbone of the essay and ideas

Assessed IELTS Band Score

Our Assessor considered that use of all the techniques mentioned above in the exam should easily earn the student a Band Score of 7.5.

This is broken down as follows:

Answering the question -8
Is it easy to follow? – 8
Is natural English used? – 8
How accurate is the grammar? – 7

Advice to the student would be to check her use of/when to use:

The – specific
A – one
no article – in general

I hope you have found this useful in your IELTS Test preparation. At Pass IELTS Higher we offer a service for the marking and correction of IELTS writing. Please register to receive more information.

To your IELTS success,

James

P.S. Don’t forget to click here to register for our IELTS writing marking and assessment service